The Cursed Jar of Peanut Butter
by lilacmage
Summary: Neal is working on a spell when he accidentally reverses everyone's personalities. I swear it is better that it sounds. Includes Lord Wyldon cross-dressing, Kel going to anger management class and Alanna becoming a hippie. Crack!Fic
1. Neal makes a slight miscalculation

**The Cursed Jar of Peanut Butter**

**Disclaimer:** I do not own many of the things in this story. I do not own anything or any of the characters made by Tamora Pierce. I also do not own: peanut butter, Barney the Dinosaur, Narnia, Harry Potter, Neal's shoe and various other things.

* * *

During one seemingly normal day in the land of Tortall, Keladry was bored. She had had nothing important to do since the war had ended. Eventually she came to the decision to visit her best friend and fellow knight; Neal. As she approached Neal's room she noticed that there was lots of noise coming from inside it. She pushed open the door and entered the room. Inside she was shocked to see Neal bent over a jar of what looked like peanut butter, chanting a spell.

"Neal, what are you doing?" Kel asked as he completed the spell.

"I have just created the most delicious jar of peanut butter in all of Tortall; in the entire world, in fact!" Neal replied, looking smug and quite pleased with himself. Suddenly there was a flash of bright light and Kel's world went black.

* * *

Kel woke up to the annoying sound of giggling and opened her eyes to see the culprit.

"Alanna?!" She yelled, highly surprised by this odd behaviour from the older lady knight.

"Heeeeey Kelly!" Alanna said in an annoyingly girlish voice, "how ya feelin', you musta' banged your head when the cursed jar of peanut butter took over the world and reversed everyone's personalities! Poor Kelly."

"OMG, I AM GOING TO KILL NEAL!!! AND WOULD YOU PLEASE STOP CALLING ME 'KELLY'?!" Kel screeched at Alanna.

"Sheesh! You've gotta relaaax, man." Alanna replied. In reply to this Kel screamed in annoyance and stormed out of the room.

"Are my eyes deceiving me or did Kel just lose her temper while Alanna didn't?" Numair asked from outside the door.

"I dunno," Alanna replied before skipping out of the room, humming happily to herself. Numair stared after her for a while before noticing a shoe lying on the floor.

"OMG, A SHOE!!!" Numair yelled in excitement before rushing over to pick it up and shove it in his mouth. "Mmmmm... tasty," he decided.

* * *

Meanwhile the rest of Tortall was in chaos. Alanna has just spontaneously decided to become a hippie, while Daine was rampaging through Corus killing all animals in her sight. In fact, the only person who seemed unaffected by the cursed jar of peanut butter was King Jon who was still, as usual, acting like complete jerk, but perhaps slightly stupider. Even Lord Wyldon had been affected by this curse: he had begun his very own cross dressing school and was considering getting a sex change.

Kel had given up of finding Neal and walked into the mess hall feeling depressed. Suddenly she saw a certain red-headed oaf. Yes, you guessed it: Cleon.

"Hey, everyone! Let's all bash up Cleon," Kel yelled gleefully. At this the entire mess hall cheered. Everyone, that is, except for Cleon who was crying like a baby.

"Why is it always me who gets bashed up in every single fic? No one loves me." Cleon sobbed, and with that he ran out of the room bawling his eyes out. Kel, surprisingly, was laughing her head off throughout this event. Neal looked at her, shocked.

"Are you ok Kel?" he asked.

"YOU ******* *****, OF COURSE I'M NOT OK. I GOT ZAPPED BY YOUR STUPID ******* SPELL AND NOW I'M DOOMED TO LIVE A LIFE OF OVERLY-EXAGERATED EMOTIONS. YOU *******, I'LL KILL YOU!!!" And with that she stood up and tried to hit Neal with her sword. Most unfortunately she was a crap swords-woman. When Kel got out of control and pulled a gun out of her pocket (A/N: don't ask me how she got a gun; I didn't give it to her!) Jon stood up and said in his Jerkiest voice

"Keladry, since you seem to be completely out of control and therefore are not awesome enough to come anywhere near me, I am going to have to ask you to go to Anger Management class until you can be sensible. And don't try to get out of the classes; I'm your king, so you have to do whatever I say because I am way cooler than you'll ever be."

"Nooooooo, you can't do this to me!" Kel yelled as they dragged her out of the mess hall. "I didn't even get to eat my avocado!"

* * *

Kel was surprised to see that she wasn't the only person in anger management class. There was also Daine; who kept twitching and muttering about killing animals, and Owen; who didn't seem angry, just severely depressed.

"Okay everyone! Welcome to Anger Management Class. I will be you teacher for today, and I hope you all learn something useful about life in this lesson." Kel's mouth fell open in shock. Her teacher in anger management class was... ALANNA?!

"Alanna?! How did you get the job as teacher for Anger Management Class? I mean, you'd have to be the worst tempered person in all of Tortall," Kel exclaimed.

"Hmph, that is sooo not true... At least not since the curse of the jar of peanut butter. Anyway, I got the job 'cause I slept with the King. I had to get this job because it's got WAY better pay than any other job around here, and I need a new job 'cause I'm not a knight anymore because I decided to become a hippie!"

"Great..." Muttered Daine under her breath. "Now what's the best way to torture a cat to death, I wonder..."

* * *

While the Anger Management Class got under way, there were other problems.

"I CAN'T FIND RAOUL ANYWHERE!!!" yelled Jon in distress.

"A dams- I mean, a King in distress!" yelled Lalasa. "I shall find Raoul for you gentle sir. It will please my great honour to do so."

"Too late," replied Myles wearily. "I've already found him."

"Where is he?" asked Jon excited by this discovery. "I need him for my weekly manicure."

"Raoul is hiding in your wardrobe."

...

"WHAT?!"

* * *

The instant Anger Management class had finished Alanna was skipping through the palace corridors feeling very pleased with herself for making a difference in some people's lives. As she turned a corner she was very surprised by who she found there.

"Roger?! I thought I killed you years ago... twice? How can you be alive, AGAIN?"

"Well, I was resurrected from the dead... AGAIN, by an evil and extremely powerful sorcerer. I think he said his name was, um.... Barney the Dinosaur? Or something like that anyway. And he kept on singing, over and over again. He was really quite annoying, so I killed him."

"Oh, ok. Have you seen Thom recently?"

"Oh, yes. Barney brought him back to life too. Last time I saw him he was dancing with Barney. Oh, there he is!" Alanna looked up just in time to see her brother Thom sprinting through the room completely naked yelling 'I LIKE GREEN AND YELLOW SPOTTED EGGPLANTS!!!'

"Hmmm... that was strange" Alanna decided. Suddenly she looked at Roger in a way she had never looked at him before. "Hey Roger, I never noticed how hot you were."

"Really? Well, I think you're fairly cute yourself."

"Thanks! How about we get married?"

When she said this George burst into the room bawling his eyes out.

"Alanna, how could you? I mean... I know you've had affairs with several other men since we got together, but this has to be the worst by far." And with that George ran out of the room. Later, still grief stricken, he decided to become a famous amateur butterfly collector.

"Hmmm... I feel slightly bad about that, but I love you more Roger," Alanna commented.

"Me too, my dazzling daffodil"

"Sorry about killing you several times and all that..."

"That's okay. It was just a misunderstanding after all."

And with that Alanna and Roger proceeded to tell all of their friends about their new romance.

* * *

Meanwhile in the queen's chambers a very teary Thayet was moaning about the effects the peanut butter curse had had on her.

"IM ******* BALD!!!"

"Uh, it's okay Thayet... I'm sure it'll grow back," a nervous Buri told the distraught queen.

"B- b- but, my hair!"

"It will grow back," Buri insisted. Eventually the queen gave up and went to cry herself to sleep. Happy about not losing her own BEAUTIFUL hair, Buri skipped through the king's chambers on her way to the door.

"Psssst, Buri!" an urgent whisper came from the King's wardrobe.

"Who is that?" Buri asked, giggling, as she opened the door. She was shocked when a heavy Raoul fell on top of her.

"What were you doing in there, Raouly?" she asked, curious.

"Myles locked me in there, and there was a SPIDER!!!" Raoul whimpered.

"Thanks, amigo!" Aragog said to Buri as he left the room.

"EEEEEEEEEEEEK, A SPIDER!!!" Buri shrieked before jumping up and sprinting out of the room. She had run halfway alone the adjacent corridor before she realised that she was running directly towards Aragog, so she turned and ran back in the opposite direction to lock herself in the wardrobe.

"Ummm... Buri" Raoul asked as he tapped on the door.

"Go away," Buri sobbed as she trembled in the wardrobe. Raoul sighed and settled outside the wardrobe. Suddenly he heard a muffled squeak and looked up just as Buri tumbled out of it.

"Oh Raoul, I missed you so much!" Buri sighed.

"Uhhh, Buri. You were only gone for five seconds," Raoul pointed out, feeling very confused about his wife's behaviour.

"Yes, but Raoul, I went to the magical world of Narnia and battled witches and talked to an obese and digitally animated lion called Aslan. Oh, it was so wonderful!"

"Hmmm... yea. Suuuure!" He replied before gathering Buri up and taking her away from the strange wardrobe.

* * *

A short time later Daine, who was now sane, wandered into her rooms to check out her hair in the mirror. She was expecting it to look terrible after the affects of the curse of the peanut butter and was prepared for that. What she was not expecting, however, was to see kitten sitting in the middle of her floor with... RETRO SCALES?!

"KITTEN, HAVE YOU BEEN TAKING DRUGS AGAIN?!" Daine screeched.

"Chirp," Kitten replied, looking guiltily down at her retro -scaled belly.

"DON'T YOU 'CHIRP' ME YOUNG LADY!!!" Daine yelled menacingly.

"Uhhh, Daine. Kitten can't speak, remember?" Alanna pointed out as she entered the room. "Hey Kit, nice look!"

"That is NOT a nice look Alanna. She looks like she's been tie-dyed!" Daine told Alanna angrily.

"Heeey, sheesh! You gotta calm down girl. Take some deep breaths."

"Perhaps a nice massage would help you, my darling," Roger murmured from the doorway.

"WTF?! How can Roger be alive? I thought you killed him years ago... TWICE!" Daine yelped.

"Chirp chirp chirp," Kitten added.

"Uhhh, yea... about that. Well Daine, Kitten, you see, Roger and I are seeing each other now and I think he's HOT," Alanna explained.

"CHIRP?!" Kitten squawked before fainting from either shock or overdose... or a combination of the two.

* * *

In the meantime, Kel was now happy after Alanna's great advice in her Anger Management Class. Kel had thought she would never hear herself, or anyone else for that matter, say it, but Alanna was really the calmest and most serene person she had ever seen in her entire life. As Kel strode happily through the kitchen she saw something that made her heart leap with excitement. It was a brand new sword. Kel took it, too happy to care if anyone was annoyed at her for taking their prized possession, and ran off to find Raoul so that she could show him her new weapon.

When Kel spotted Raoul she let out a shriek of excitement.

"Guess what Raoul, I got a new sword!" Kel shouted animatedly with a giggle.

Raoul looked at Kel's new weapon and laughed. "Kel, that's not a sword. That's a butterknife!"

At this Kel pouted and muttered, "That's not true. You're just jealous that I have a way better sword than you'll ever have." And with that she ran off into the heart of the castle. Raoul shook his head and smiled.

"Typical Kel," he thought. "Getting a butterknife confused with a sword, ha!" After a brief pause Raoul frowned. "No... that's not right. Kel's smarted than that, I think..."

* * *

A short while later Alanna was walking through the palace corridors, having just escaped from Roger.

"Boy," she thought. "Roger is sweet, but he never lets a girl do anything on her own. Maybe I'll have to end this relationship... I mean, it's not like its actually going anywhere. All he ever does is eat chocolate and watch stupid romantic movies... I don't even know how he can watch romantic movies since they haven't even been invented yet! Oh well... must be a 'dead' thing..." Alanna was so deep in thought she wasn't even noticing where she was going. She did notice, however, when she ran straight into a giant spider.

"EEEEEK, A SPIDER!!!" Alanna screamed girlishly.

"Why! How rude. Is this how you treat a guest to this palace young lady?" Aragog asked arrogantly.

"Hey, spiders aren't actually that bad!" Alanna realised.

"Yes, I know. I've been one all my life," Aragog replied. "My name is 'Aragog' by the way. You may recognise me from the Harry Potter book series and films."

"Pleased to meet you!" Alanna replied joyfully. "You know, you're actually kinda good looking... for a huge, ugly spider, at least."

"Why thankyou! And you aren't too bad yourself, for a stupid, pink human who would usually be supper for me," Aragog replied.

"Thanks!" Alanna said shyly, pleased with the compliment. "Hey, are you doing anything later tonight... I though maybe we could go out to dinner together, or something..."

"It would be my pleasure" Aragog said with a grin. (A/N yes, he can now grin) And with that they strode towards the gardens so that they could become better acquainted with each other.

* * *

Some time later George and Roger were found chatting about life in the mess hall. They had actually become quite good friends, even though they were fighting over the some girl. Onua, who was sitting opposite them, suddenly leant across the table with a wicked glint in her eyes and said

"Did you guys hear; apparently Alanna hooked up with Aragog today behind your backs."

At this simple statement only one sound could be heard throughout the mortal realms.

"WHAT?!"

* * *

(A/N And I think I will leave it at that, for now. Don't worry, I have much more to write in this fic. Any ideas or opinions would be appreciated. Please review!)

Numair: If you do not review Aragog and I shall invade your wardrobe and steal all of your socks! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. We are so evil!


	2. The Killer Asparaguses

**The Cursed Jar of Peanut Butter:**** Chapter 2 **

**Disclaimer:** I do not own anything. Tamora Pierce does. I own a hat though! It is a very nice hat! I also do not own anything to do with Charlie the Unicorn and Candy Mountain, Google, Bunnings or the Hooley Dooleys.

A/N in case you are slightly slow or 'not-quite-right-in-the-head' (don't worry, you can join the club!) this fanfic is supposed to be OOC from where Neal sets off the spell onwards. Just thought I'd mention that! Oh, and thanks to Alan the Great, Elf-a-Roo and Obsessed and Repulsed for reviewing. Special thanks to Obsessed and Repulsed for encouraging my crazy ideas and being my bestie through hard times (GO BADMINTON, lol)!!! Thanks also to all the other people who read my fanfic- those numbers add up! Now I shall continue with the story…

* * *

One day in the seemingly peaceful world of Tortall, when the birds were singing, the trees were blossoming and the horses were grazing, Numair was found running through the palace grounds screeching his head off.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOO! You can't do this to me Daine, you just can't!" he screamed at his wife.

"They're just scissors Numair," Daine yelled at him. "Besides, I think you would look really cute with short hair." At this Numair began sobbing, but Daine knew she had won.

"F-f-f-f-fine, I'll g-g-get a h-h-h-h-haircut," Numair wept in agony before leaving to get his haircut.

"Stupid vain mage," Daine muttered to herself. "I bet I wouldn't have had this sort of problem if I had just gone along with my mother's arranged marriage between myself and Ozorne.

* * *

Meanwhile, in the castle, Jon and Wyldon were arguing about who was going to lead their Cross Dressers' Club.

"I should lead the club because I'm king," Jon announced.

"Yeah, but I'm more pretty-fuller-er than you," Wyldon replied.

"I own more dresses!"

"I took on a girl as a page!"

"I've seen more women with no clothes on than you!"

"I own more pretty slippers than you!"

"Well, I own more makeup than you!"

"My hair's prettier!"

"But, I'm WAY more sluttier than you, biatch!"

Raoul, feeling left out during this argument, interrupted to say "I'm gay!"

At this Buri gasped and slapped him across the face before storming out of the room screaming "Like, whatever! I was going to dump you anyway!" Raoul felt momentarily sad, before looking over to see Jon and Wyldon groveling at his feet.

"Wha-" Raoul squawked.

"You are the new king of the Cross Dressers!" Wyldon pronounced.

"But I'm still the actual king," Jon reminded him.

"Yeah… Okay," Raoul said.

* * *

A few hours later Numair walked into the mess hall to hear an audible gasp from everyone sitting in there. Upon seeing him several court ladies, and Neal, fainted from shock. Eventually, everyone still staring at Numair in horror, Daine came over to him and stuttered,

"N-N-Numair, what d-did you d-d-do?!" When Numair just continued to look at her stupidly she screeched, "YOU GOT A BLOODY MULLET!!!" At this even more people fainted.

"How could you Numair?" Daine asked in shock, "I mean, no offence, but you look like a total Bogan."

"So?!" Numair said with a frown, "Maybe I want to look like a bogan." At this Daine just shook her head before commenting, "I think your haircut was so hideous that it's ugliness managed to kill a few people from shock, you know." At this Numair 'hmph'-ed and left the room.

* * *

During this madness Kel was filling in her application forms for her new job as a mountaineer. She was very excited about this fabulous opportunity, but was very annoyed when Jon ran into the room screaming "THE ASPARAGUSES ARE GOING TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD!!!" Kel looked at Jon, shocked, until Jon continued, with an exaggerated change in tone, "Please attend an informative meeting in about twenty minutes," before running out of the room screeching about DOOOOOOOOM.

"Okay…" Kel commented, feeling quite confused.

* * *

Kel walked into the meeting room to discuss the problem at hand. When she entered the room she rolled her eyes in a very un-Kel-like gesture. All of the main army commanders, knights, mages and other important people were there and Jon was in front of them all with a strange looking map with the words 'the way to Candy Mountain' on it stuck up on the wall in front of him. As everyone settled Jon pulled out a big pointing-stick-thingy from behind a desk and began speaking;

"Now everyone, here's our plan-" Jon began snobbishly.

"Excuse me Jon, but where exactly did you get those from," asked Daine, pointing at Jon's pointing-stick-thingy and the strange map.

"HOW DARE YOU INTERUPT YOUR KING WHEN HE IS SPEAKING YOU INSIGNIFICANT LITTLE POOP. I AM WAY MORE AWESOME-ER THAN YOU'LL EVER BE…" Jon yelled at poor little Daine, his veins almost popping out from his skin, "But…" Jon continued with a dramatic change in tone, "If you must know I got the map off Google and the pointing-stick-thingy from Bunnings; it was on special!" Jon finished with a particularly cheesy grin.

"Okay…" Daine replied with a non-believing look on her face.

"It's okay Daine," Alanna whispered to her. "I'm trying to book a session for him with a psychiatrist now, but it might take a while."

"Anyways," Jon continued loudly. "As you might have heard Tortall is about to be invaded by Asparaguses."

"Yeah, I don't think there isn't a single person in the entire world who hasn't heard" Alanna commented loudly in an overly-sarcastic voice. Several people began sniggering at this remark from the Lioness.

"I HEARD that, you silly little mongoose!" Jon yelled at her.

"Yea, well it isn't as if anyone has actually seen any of these so-called asparaguses, is it?!" Alanna replied. Suddenly, Numair burst into the room wearing a towel wrapped around his head.

"ASPARAGUSES, IN THE DUNGEON! Just thought you ought to know." He cried before collapsing. At this everyone started running around the room screaming, looking quite like headless chickens.

"Uhhh, Numair?" Daine called, prodding him with her foot. "You do know that you're not Quirrell, riiight?"

"Yep!" he said before leaping to his feet, "I'm not Quirrell, I'm a squirrel!" he cried before running out of the castle to join the wild squirrels in the woods. Suddenly everyone decided to stop running around the room like headless chickens.

"So, how are we going to defeat the might of the Asparaguses?" one person asked.

"I know!" Neal answered. "I shall eat them as everyone knows how much I love my vegetables! I think I shall one day become a famous amateur vegetable eater," Neal decided before becoming dreamy-eyed.

"JUST EAT THE DAMNED ASPARAGUSES ALREADY!!!" several people yelled.

"Okay, okay!" Neal yelled, throwing his arms up in the air.

* * *

After the terror of the Asparagus Invasion, as it was later named, Kel was later found attending her second anger management class. It was a lot quieter than last time. Daine was still there, and in Kel's opinion seemed much better than before, but, sadly, Owen was no longer there as he had become severely depressed and had recently committed suicide. Neal had celebrated this by running around the castle with his underpants on his head yelling "No more jolliness, no more jolliness!" Numair, however had joined and was still pouting immaturely with his hands curled up into fists because of his anger at being 'rescued', or as he thought of it 'kidnapped' for his squirrel family. When Alanna entered the room, however, Kel felt strangely angry.

"YOU KILLED MY BABY, I'LL KILL YOU!" she yelled as she charged at Alanna. Daine enjoyed this entertainment so much that she pulled out some popcorn and prepared for a good show.

"What baby?" Alanna asked looking confused.

"I dunno… but I'm still angry at you!" Kel answered.

"Well, Daine… I think you're doing well in these classes, but your unpredictable mood swings seem to be becoming more and more dangerous so I may have to take you to see a nice little man called a psychiatrist," Alanna explained calmly.

"Noooooo, you can't do this to me!" Kel screamed. Numair then destroyed the dramatic moment by shoving food up his nose.

"HEY! Numy shoves food up his nose, why isn't he coming?!" Kel protested. Alanna frowned, "Well, I guess… Okay then, he can come too!" she decided.

"Tehe, Llamas is green with purple polka dots!" Numair commented with a stupid grin plastered to his face.

"Numair, come on," Alanna called as she and Kel left the room.

"Okie-dokie!" Numair replied happily. "Me's a Hooley Dooley!"

"Hmph, now I'm bored…" Daine commented, depressed at being left behind, "Now… what can I do to amuse myself for the time being, I wonder…"

"Why hello, young Velalidaine," a voice said from behind her.

"Oh, Ozorne! What a pleasant surprise," she exclaimed. "Let me guess… an incredibly evil sorcerer named Barney the Dinosaur brought you back from the dead, hmm?"

"No, don't be so stupid, dear child! It was actually my best friend Arram Draper… 'Barney the Dinosaur', pft!" Ozorne scoffed.

"Well, I was actually wondering if you would like to rekindle our little relationship, Ozorne honey?" Daine asked seductively.

"Umm… I guess so," Ozorne asked, surprised. "Well, g-goodnight… my love," he stammered.

"Goodnight darling," Daine replied before walking out of the room humming merrily to herself.

* * *

A/N And, just to be mean, I shall end this chapter right there. Please review.

Psychiatrist: If you are reading this most strange piece of fanfiction please do not worry as the author of this fanfic has been placed into psychological care.

Author: Not for long. I'm busting out tonight!

Psychiatrist: Hmmm… I should really buy myself a tranquilizer gun someday… Oh well. Please review or I'm coming after you next. MWAHAHAHAHAH!!!


	3. Diluted Pickle Juice

**The Cursed Jar of Peanut Butter****: Chapter 3 **

**Disclaimer:** No, in case you were wondering, all the characters in this story still belong to Tamora Pierce (all hail her greatness!).

**A/N** Sorry it took so long for me to update this. I've been really busy lately, but I'll try to update more often now. :) Thanks to everyone for reviewing though. Please review. If it was not for reviews I seriously doubt that I, and many others, would ever bother to update. So just click that little green button at the bottom of the page, it only takes a minute. Come on, you know you want to!

* * *

Numair, or Numy as he was now more commonly known as, was strolling home after recently being released from the "loony bin". As he approached his and Daine's rooms he heard a muffled squeak and the sound of metal scraping across metal. He cautiously nudged the door open only to see…

"DAINE?!" Numair was shocked to see his lover, no, ex-lover, in the middle of making out with the hated stormwing, Ozorne.

"It's not what it looks like Numair," Daine stammered. At this Ozorne snorted, before hurriedly silencing under Daine's menacing glare.

"Sure it isn't" Numair whimpered through broken sobs. "Don't you worry about old Numy here, just continue pashing Ozzy, why don't you?" And with that Numair ran out of the room and Daine and Ozorne continued making out.

* * *

A few days later Alanna met up with Daine to ask how her new relationship was turning out.

"Not so well," Daine admitted. "I never really thought about it, but having a relationship with a stormwing wasn't really the best idea; the steel feathers really were fairly annoying; they kept giving me scratches… Do you know what happened to Numair?"

"I heard somewhere that he had fallen in love with a tree and was planning to marry it." Suddenly the two women turned around, frowning, as a high-pitched scream erupted in the distance.

"What was that?" Alanna asked.

"I don't know, but it sort of reminded me of Tristan Staghorn, don't you think?"

"Oh yeah, it sounded just like him, didn't it?! I wonder what happened to him? Last thing I heard a dog pissed on him…" And with that the two women wandered off discussing whether or not Tristan would make good firewood.

* * *

A few hours later everyone was gathering in the throne room for a special announcement from the king.

"This should be good," Alanna commented sarcastically as they waited for Jon to arrive, "What's the bet that Jon's going to announce that he just found his brain under his pillow for what would have to be the first time in years." Several people sniggered at this remark about the hopeless King of Tortall. Suddenly the doors swung open admitting Jon into the room.

"Greetings, my slav- , I mean faithful servants of the crown." Jon announced in his snootiest voice, "I have gathered you all here today to inform you that I am leaving for a week-long vacation in Hawaii tomorrow." At this the entire castle erupted in hushed murmurings. "SILENCE!" Jon roared at the crowd. "Now, as none of you can seem to behave yourselves when I'm away, and yes, I am looking at you Duke Turomot, while I am gone I am appointing Mr. Ducky in charge!" At this there was a confused silence as people craned their heads in an attempt to see this "Mr. Ducky". Everyone began laughing, however, when Jon held up a duck with a purple bowler hat on his head in the air. "Be quiet everyone! Why must you all be so insolent today?!" Jon cried as more and more people burst out laughing. The noise died down, however, when Jon began to glare at them. "Now, everyone, hail your new, temporary, king." When everyone reluctantly bowed or curtsied Ducky stood up on the throne and quacked. "What's that Ducky?" Jon asked him. "You order everyone to bathe in diluted pickle juice? Well, since you're king everyone must now bathe in diluted pickle juice. I think I'll be off now, goodbye!" And with that Jon left the castle to its smelly fate.

* * *

**3 Weeks later **_(Jon is back)_

People were still recovering from the terribly disgusting 'pickle incident', as it was now called, when none other than Aly appeared in Corus.

"What are you doing here?!" Alanna exclaimed.

"Well, you know how I was all like, awesome; I'm like spymaster of the Copper Isles? Well, Dove was really getting on my nerves with all of her like, 'we need to do what's best for the realm' trash, so I was like totally all like, 'stuff you Dove, you give a crap salary, and I need time off for my weekly massage and manicure appointment!'. Then I just, like, totally left and came back here to Tortall!" Aly said with a little giggle at the end, and countless hair flicks.

"But what about your husband, Nawat?" Alanna asked, flabbergasted.

"Oh, I like totally had to dump him 'cause of his bad breath. Did you know that he actually ate bugs! Eww, disgusting!"

"Well, you're welcome here for as long as you want. The west wing of the castle in on fire and we all stink of diluted pickle juice, but you should be fine here."

* * *

Meanwhile, King Jon was strutting his way back home to his castle, nose in the air, after spending a glorious evening taking a walk through his city. He ran into a problem, however, when he got to the castle gates to find them shut. Now, what King Jon didn't know was that Raoul, Alanna and some naughty men of the Third Company of the King's Own, namely Sergeant Domitan of Masbolle, had been conspiring a delightful plot for days to get back at Jon and his snobby ways, especially for issuing a royal decree saying that they all had to bathe in diluted pickle juice.

"Excuse me, what seems to be the hold up here?" Jon shouted at the wall with his most snooty face on. At this Dom poked his head over the wall.

"Password please," he shouted at the infuriated king.

"What?!" Jon squawked, "What do you mean 'password'".

"Excuse me sir, but do you have the correct password or not?" Dom asked with raised eyebrows.

"No, I'm the king. This is my castle, I don't need a password!" Jon cried. "Let me in!"

"No-can-do, Mr. 'king', if that's even your real name."

"Sergeant Domitan, either let me in or get your commanding officer immediately!" Jon bellowed at the top of his voice.

"Okie dokie," Dom replied before stepping down from the wall and yelling to someone in the distance.

"Sir, someone wants to talk to you."

"Tell them to go away."

"They won't leave!"

"Well pretend I'm not at home."

"Please sir, could you just talk to them?"

"Just say I'm at my pedicure appointment."

"Could you please just get down here sir?"

"Say I'm giving birth to twins."

"…WHAT?!"

"Fine then. Just take a message."

"Sir!"

"Fine then. I'm coming. This had better be good."

And with that the famous Lord Raoul's head appeared above the wall.

"What do you want, scum?" he bellowed at Jon.

"Let me in to my castle THIS INSTANT." Jon screamed at him.

"And why should I let you in?"

"Because I'm the king."

"Ha, yeah right. That's exactly what the last eight people said too."

"WHAT?! But, I actually am the king."

"Yeah, well if you were the king, which I seriously doubt, you would know the super-secret password."

"But no-one told me!"

"Well then you'll just have to wait until tomorrow."

"No, wait." Jon stammered in distress, "Is it pickle? No, is it tomato. Oh, I don't know!"

"Ding, ding, ding! That's right."

"What's right?"

"The super-secret password of the day is 'I don't know'."

"That's a stupid password!"

"Well do you want to get in or not?"

"Yes, yes, yes! Just let me in now!"

"Fine then, just wait while I go and ask Alanna what she did with those keys." And with that Raoul stepped down from the wall to bellow in the distance.

"Alanna."

"WHAT?!"

"Come be a dear and let Jon in won't you?"

"I can't."

"Why not?!"

"I lost the keys!"

"Oh well. What a pity." Raoul then turned around and stepped up to the wall."Sorry Jon but you're going to have to wait there for a while; Alanna seems to have gone and lost the keys again. See you in a few days then! Toodles!" And with that Raoul clambered down from the wall and tottered off into the castle to celebrate a 'No Jon Weekend' with Alanna and Dom. A very disgruntled Jon, after having a slight tantrum, stormed back down to the city to stay in a boarding house for the weekend.

* * *

**A/N** I'd just like to know if anyone made the connection in the "Tristan" paragraph? You know; Numair marrying a tree, and then Tristan screaming *nudge nudge*. No? Oh well. I just wanted to know if I wrote that clearly enough, because although I may know exactly what a mean and what I want to write in my head, it doesn't always work out when I write it on a page (or word document!).

If you haven't already you should check out the King's Own site at **thekingsown(.)org**; it is a purely Tamora Pierce fanfiction archive made by Tamora Pierce fans for Tamora Pierce fans.


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